Ever notice how it's the little things in life that amuse us so much? More to the point, ever notice how it's the silly little idiocies in life that amuse us more than anything else? Well, this is not as much ''the little blog that could'' as it is ''the blog that enjoys going up the down escalator in your local mall.'' Will it have anything of real importance? No, probably not. But enjoy the ride never the less!

 

...with the death toll from the tsunami practically doubling overnight since this last little bit of nowhere. From some reports, it's up to officially 55,000 confirmed dead, and a lot more missing and still presumed dead.

And while it seems almost trivial and contrite in comparison, the day didn't get much better when Mel glanced at the local Ontario Renfair webpage, only to discover that the gang running/managing the Renfair have decided to call it quits. This was on their main page: http://www.rennfest.com/orf/index.html

After nine seasons of operation and effort to bring you a continually-growing quality family entertainment experience in Ontario we will be closing the gates of Trillingham. Our decision was made after much careful consideration of the past nine seasons and projections for the future of the show. It has been our pleasure to work with the entire company of performers and vendors who were the festival. Each season the festival and its vendors provided employment for more than six hundred people and over the years entertained more than half a million customers. Thank you for your patronage over the years and thank you to any of you who became our friends during that time.

Mel & I have visited the Renfair during two summers in the past, and were happily anticipating going next year. This is a bit of a surprise and a crushing blow, since it's always been a spectacular festival to go to. The carousing at the very end at the Black Dragon Tavern was a favourite of mine. At the very least, we have a special picture to remember it by, and a goblet. But it's still an unpleasant sting.

Today's Lesson: regular mall hours have resumed. That means everything closes down at 9pm. And no, I don't care how desperate you are, but I will not sell you a damned scarf when the clock reads 9:05pm. The curtain around our kiosk has been drawn for a reason. Thank you, and good night.


posted by Phillip at 10:42 AM

 

There are times when humanity attempts to discover new ways of destroying itself, and most of those times prove disturbingly effective. And just to remind us of how amateurish we really are, nature comes along and dryly remarks in her not so subtle way, "Anything you can do, I've been doing better for millennia." I've been watching the news reports and reading what I can in the papers about the enormous tsunami that hit southeast Asia. It's not pretty, especially the death toll, but it is very humbling and for me serves as a very stark reminder of how we can dominate the earth, but will never control it.

Equally disturbing is how this isn't even the largest tsunami on record either. Nature could still have dealt a blow that was worse. Much worse.


posted by Phillip at 9:49 AM

 

posted by Phillip at 5:48 AM

 

I'm sure many of you are aware by now that the sixth book in the HP series, Harry Potter & The Half-Blood Prince, is going to be released July 2005. Already the book is topping best-seller lists by pre-order alone.

But what do we know about the book? Well, we know it's going to involve Harry. And a half-blood prince. And someone's going to die. Yet this only serves to taunt and torment fans who want to know now what's happening in Harry's Muggleverse. Well fear not, Potter fans! By using my vast, superior information and intelligence networks, I have secured the first official chapter by chapter synopsis of "The Half-Blood Prince."

Behold what will happen in year 6, in all it's glory!!


Chapter 1: the Gerbils Without Pants attack Harry, leading to ominous theories about Voldemort's favourite cheese.

Chapter 2: sexual tension between Ron & Hermione peaks due to misunderstandings about whose turn it is to use the shower. Ginny manages to take a picture of the moment for posterity and future blackmail.

Chapter 3: the gang travels to Diagon Alley to retrieve their books, and the Sasquatch's shoe fetish is at long last revealed. Cheese wedges are thrown, and Draco has a drunken otter shoved down his pants.

Chapter 4: during the opening ceremony, Dumbledore introduces a new transfer student from the States--who happens to be Harry's long-lost and qually brilliant & powerful sibling. Said transfer student is also a half-blood prince. Smelling a self-insertion, the Griffyndors and Slytherins put aside their differences and pelt the avatar with squishy octopuses. As usual, nothing happens with Hufflepuff.

Chapter 5: Harry realizes he has feelings for Cho, and confesses his love to her. Unfortunately, he tries to do this while Cho is busy kissing Padma Patil. Sensing the awkwardness of the moment, Harry tries to Macarena his way out of the room.

Chapter 6: in which we learn about Voldemort's secret obssession with Hello Kitty.

Chapter 7: the stars have come into perfect alignment, the air has a very gibbous feel to it, and the great & terrible Old One, Cthulhu, rises out from the depths of the lake next to Hogwarts. Unfortunately, just as he emerges to begin his reign of madness and horror, he's clobbered in the head by a wayward Hippogriff and sinks back down to Ryleh in embarrassment.

Chapter 8: it's revealed that Draco's carpetting doesn't match his drapes. Hermione eats some cake, and pieces togethere the Caramilk secret.

Chapter 9: misunderstandings complicate Harry's love life when the Golden Snitch shoots down Ginny's pants during a Quidditch match, and he & Cho viciously fight to retrieve it.

Chapter 10: Ron is attacked by Death Eaters, but manages to escape thanks to his overpowering after-shave.

Chapter 11: Howgarts files for bankruptcy.

Chapter 12: Dumbledore explains to Harry why Dementors are afraid of David Hasselhoff.

Chapter 13: War breaks out. Hilarity ensues. Insults are thrown, which segues into an all-dancing, all-musical Can Can number.

Chapter 14: Harry claims Neville is dead. To which the not-quite-a-corpse of Neville sits up and exclaims, "I'm not dead yet!", to which Harry then retorts, "You will be in the next book", and has Neville lay back down on the stretcher.

Chapter 15: Voldemort holds Harry's prized cactus hostage in an attempt to lure Harry out of Hogwarts. When that fails, Voldemort gives Harry's Mmail address to a Muggle Spam list. Naked Quidditch matches ensue.

Chapter 16: the Gerbils Without Pants return, bringing with them an apocalypse and some French Fries. In the spirit of togetherness, Ron buys them a bottle of malt vinegar, then sells the gerbils as pets.

Chapter 17: Hermione sets the House Elves free. They immediately form a fraternity, get drunk and before the night out (in no specific order) they hit on all the girls in Ravenclaw, pee in the Prefects' Bath, make sashimi for everyone's breakfast out of the giant squid, spend all night singing dirty marching cadences in every common room, and fill the Great Hall with every-flavour beans. Hermione subsequently begs Dumbledore to enslave/employ them again.

Chapter 18: a great deal of toast is thrown about. Draco is caught wearing fishnet stockings. Harry begins to wonder when the plot will get back around to him.

Chapter 19: feeling insecure after having been thwarted so many times, Voldemort joins an Evil Overlord support group alongside Boss Hogg, Dr. Evil, a legion of Bond villains, Trogdor, Dr. Claw and Martha Stewart.


So there you have it: the secrets behind book six revealed. Now now, there's no need to thank me. Just knowing I have passed on this knowledge to other HP fans is enough thanks for me....

Today's Lesson: sometimes it's just better to not look out the window and discover just how much snow is out there and how badly its blowing around.


posted by Phillip at 7:54 AM

 

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas: the presents are stacking up, parking lots are crowded with irate drivers vying for open spaces like hyenas (hyenas who know how to make rude gestures with their hands, at that), and the smell of desperation is filling the mall air. You can see it on many of the faces that pass you by; as panicking customers ask you in that half-crazed, half-near-homicidal voice for specific items you know you don't have; as you kindly remind said customers after informing them that no, you don't have what they're looking for, that if they continue to shout at you, you will have to disable them with your Customer Appreciation Scarf (i.e., strangle them) before you call mall security.

So far our kiosk, at least while I've been there, has not been the recipient of many of these irate customers, but they are starting to look rather grumpy and neurotic. And then there's this guy: right in front of me, a man bares his teeth, leans up really close to one of our mirrors...and spends a minute or so thoroughly examining his teeth. Oddly enough, he didn't seem very pleasant when I said encouragingly, "They're quite clean, Sir, I can assure you."

In other news, I am bemused, grieved and perplexed to discover that the Muppet Family Christmas DVD is missing scenes from its original TV showing. (Fozzie & the snowman's outdoor comedy routine, and the full version of the Muppet Babies singing "Santa Claus is Coming to Town", for those nit-picky ones wondering.) Normally this wouldn't annoy me, but having watched every Christmas the TV version we taped years ago, it's rather disconcerting to have my happy DVD copy, and know full well that things have been removed. Besides, they were good scenes. Now a generation of Muppets fans will never know that, upon seeing baby Piggy, Floyd the Electric Mayhem guitarist exclaims, "Hey, it's Miss Hamhock, when she was just a little sausage roll!"

And in other other news, our new cat Chance mews like one of those hooting Dilophosaurs from the Jurassic Park movie. I'm waiting to get a toxic hairball to the face any day now...

Today's Lesson: nothing amuses me more than seeing Mel aggravated over the fact that she can rattle and shake her presents all she wants, but she still won't be able to know the boxes' contents for another few days. Yeah, I'm going to get smacked for this; I already know this fact.



posted by Phillip at 6:22 PM

 

Last night I wrestled with annoying turtles and evil, carnovirous mushroom-thingies. (You know: the kind of mushrooms you meet in a dark, empty alley with not a badger in sight.) I also had to contend with fireball-spitting plants and some sort of wrench-flinging raccoon. The only way to defeat them was to dress up as a frog, and sometimes a tanuki.

Yes, you guess it: I've regressed. A few days ago, Kevin loaned me out his old Super NES, complete with the Mario All Stars game (containing Mario 1-3) as well as Super Mario World. I've been having this Mario 3 craving for almost 6 months now, waking up at night from vivid childhood recollections of playing the game, unable to get back to sleep at night because I've become haunted by those images of Mario bouncing around in that big giant, green boot and stomping on things. Which, incidentally, is why World 5-3 remains my favourite level, period.

I've spent a number of evenings sitting back and playing Mario 3, which hads delighted me to no end. I've been reminded of how much I adored the game when I was a kid. I've also been astounded by how much I remember, even the tiny little cheats and things, courtesy of me practically memorizing the Gamepro guide to M3 I bought years upon years ago. Between rounds of playing the matching game, choosing which treasure chest for me to open, and trying to earn me extra lives in the slots game, Mel's been boggled by how much I've been acting like a little 11 year-old version of myself.

"You're like a little kid all of a sudden," she informed me last night.

"Because I'm grinning like an idiot from playing this game?" I said.

Whereupon Mel shook her head and said, "No, mostly because you can't beat World 6 and have spent the last ten minutes constantly swearing and hurling childish insults & threats at the TV."

She's right too. Damned Ice World. Sure, when I was a kid, it was World 7: Plant World that always gave me trouble. This time around, I conquered Plant World in one go, to my surprise. But Ice World? Noooo, I just have to keep falling down holes or running into enemies who kill me on contact. Stupid monkey-bastard, rassafrassing game...kick it in the nuts....

*Ahem!* Excuse me, I don't know what came over me for a moment there.

Today's Lesson: the holidays are only as enjoyable as the customers you serve, or the cynicism you serve back to them.


posted by Phillip at 8:16 AM

 



You are Penny Arcade! Edgy and sarcastic, you cut
through the stupid mundanity of everyday life,
but mostly the world of computers and video
gaming. While you are hilariously funny, no one
will ever know if you never go outside. Put
down the controller and get some fresh air.

If you don't get the reference, check yourself out
at http://www.penny-arcade.com/


What Internet phenomenon are you? -updated-
brought to you by Quizilla


posted by Phillip at 8:06 AM

 

posted by Phillip at 8:04 AM

 

Have any of you seen those Old Navy commercials that are manifesting themselves during commercial breaks like an unwanted ass-wart? You probably know what I'm referring to, and if you're denying it you no doubt have regressed the dreadful memory, and gone with something less traumatizing. Like the time you discovered that superman capes will not actually enable you to fly (and you only discovered this at the base of that very steep hill).

There's our hapless victim idling around various places always associated with the $-mas season: stores in shopping malls; bakeries; their closet. Suddenly, they are accosted by a ragtag and badly-dressed group of kids, teens and desperate actors in their early 20's. (Actually, I'd be hiding in my closet if I knew these bozos were stalking me.) Before our hapless victim can use their pepper spray or yet "Cut!", someone blows on a harmonica (actually, I argue they all blow, but that's just my amateurish opinion), and they all start to sing. Or to be more specific, they all start to engage in some sort of off-key caterwauling that could be called singing. I've heard dead cats fuck with more harmony than these people.

But what are they singing? Something redemptive? Something Superfreakish? Oh, it's not a Christmas song or carol they're torturing, mind you. No, no. They use a melody that bears some resemblance to a horribly mangled version of some well-known tune like "Jingle Bells." Instead of the usually cheery and festive words we've come to know and love from a song like, oh "Jingle Bells", this group of ravenous and colourfully-dressed monsters launch into some uninspired dreck about last-minute shopping and how Old Navy will save your ass with inexpensive brand-name clothes.

And their smiles! My God, did they all get shot up with Prozac or Botox before shooting this commercial? I can almost see the coarse humanity seeping out of the corners of their mouths as they try and try to emote. But it just doesn't work. What I think was intended to be a witty and sentimental commercial that tugs on the seasonal heartstrings of us all managed to take a bad concept, and create a painfully limp commercial that switches our heartstrings with piano wire and then tries to strangle us with it.

Though oddly enough these Old Navy commercials do bring a smile on my face. Mostly because I imagine what would happen if this crew showed up at a store my friends and I happened to be at. Once their rousing rendition of "Oh dear God, I repent of all my evil, just make the hurting stop!!" ends, and the little boy makes some inspid remark whilst holding up the Old Navy sign, I consider my reaction to it.

It would probably involve a bunch of the group all desperately trying to hold back one of us from charging. And I'm shouting, "No, Roupen, not the beam cannon! They're right in front of the cookies! You'll take the cookies out with them!"

So please, end these Old Navy ads before innocent cookies get hurt. Won't someone think of the cookies?

Today's Discovery: Shady will yowl pitifully along with Menchi during Excel Saga's closing song.


posted by Phillip at 8:27 PM

 

There's so many things I want to say here.

I want to say a belated thanks to all the birthday wellwishers out there, from cards to Livejournals to calls. And Ysa-chan, your unique ability to launch into happy-babble halfway through an answering machine message is impressive! This also goes out to my fellow tortured souls...er, coworkers, who to their utterly vicious delight bought me a Hilary Duff CD as a gift. (My exact and first words to the primary culprit when I saw her next were, and I quote: "Hilary freaking Duff?!") I was half-expecting a Clay Aiken CD myself, since my loathing of him, and having to see his videos or hear his songs, is only sightly higher than my loathing of Duff. I can in fact have more than enough of that not-so-wonderful Duff. And yet it was done in good spirits, and ultimately not a waste since I was able to trade the Hilary Duff CD in for the 'Best of Marilyn Manson' CD.

No, I'm serious. (Those of you aware of my educational background can stop snickering anytime now...)

I also want to say that my prolongued absence in this little bit of nowhere is due primarily to me being too tired to even stare properly at the screen every other night. And on the nights in between those, blogger was too fscking wonky to work right and even let me sign in.

I also want to say that the term "quality control" has reach newfound levels of irony, where the air is so saturated with iromy it's...er...ironic. Okay, so that analogy died a horrible death and is still suffering a rather tortuous afterlife, but you get the idea. Some of you have followed our exploits involving the kiosk of not-as-much-death -but-definitely-shoddy-construction. For those of you just tuning in (and more importantly, too lazy to glance back at previous bits of nowhere), the seasonal kiosk I am currently running, or at least pretending to look like I know how to run something like this, is usually constructed by one specific handiman who works for our company. He's a great guy who knows what he's doing.

This year the company contracted out to a different bunch of handimen. After all the seasonal kiosks were assembled, the word of the day was officially made: "Oops?" You see, having a kiosk assembled is one thing, and a great thing unto itself. But having a kiosk assembled properly is an ever better thing. The new guys putting together our kiosk only managed to get the first line right. The track for our kiosk curtain had numerous gaps in it, plus it wasn't properly secured on two of the four sides of the kiosk. The panels were all uneven, there were electrical cords all over the floor, and now...

...and now, I always like to start my morning shifts by opening a cupboard door to retrieve some extra understock, and then step back with the cupboard door still in my hand. Sometimes doors come off because the hinges pop out of place; those are easy to repair. On the other hand, it's a different problem when the wall bracket the hinges are supposed to be attached to pop right out of the wall as well, leaving happy little metal screws rolling around by your feet.

So yeah, all I could say at the time was "oh, those wacky handimen." Hours later, at the end of my shift, my remarks changed to "oh, those wacky handimen...when I find them I'm going to take this door and shove it up their rassa-frassing handi-bastard butts!" when a second door decided to rip most of itself off the wall. The lower hinge is curently all that's keeping it in place. I spent the last part of my shift eyeing this door as it hung lopsided and swayed optimistically every now and again. I wish I could say this development surprises me. I really wish.

While I'm at it, I wish for a pony. My Little Pony, to be exact. Season 1 is now a DVD box set. My Little Pony remains that one guilty, secret show I used to watch religiously when I was a kid. And firmly denied ever liking it at the time. I'm not sure if I should admit to nostalgia or being chagrined to seeing this box set and thinking to myself, "Cool! I'd like to get that one day!"

In the meantime, I'd also like to talk about Chance, the new neko-butt wandering the apartment. He's really taken to his new surroundings, and as I write this he and Shady have engaged in yet another wrestling match. They're rather adorable to watch, since they'll roll and wrestle and flop all over each other; then pause for a moment, and bat at each other's faces when they want to play again. Chance is certainly making himself a welcomed addition to the family, as it were. I still am advocating for a narcoleptic penguin, but Mel's winning the argument so far. Mostly because we haven't been able to located any narcoleptic penguins on Ebay.

Finally, I'd like to say that I think I'm suffering a mild case of burnout, primarily where writing is concerned. I haven't written much of anything for a month or so, and what I have written I strongly dislike with a near-eternal passion. (But at least I don't hate it!) This has taken me a bit by surprise, since I rarely suffer writer's burnout, and on the two prior occasions it happened, I recognized it right away. The first instance was due to me writing a long and very dark story that took a lot out of me emotionally and psychologically. The second instance was more situational, given how it happened while I was in Brazil for 3 months--and as a result, missing Anime North, something that really agitated me at the time.

This time around I think it's a combination of the two, following in the wake of my parents' separation and finishing the 130-page SM fanfic, "The Paranoia Groove". So where does that leave me? Well, trying to recover my drive for starters. There's some small projects I'm wanting to work on. Plus there's the screenplay, which is different enough from everything else that I might be able to make some progress on it. And if I somehow defy all logic, I might even be able to pull off a new and unexpected Fanboys! seasonal fic by the end of the year. (I have yet to decide if all hell gets to break loose on Christmas or New Year's for the crew.)

So I remain hopeful. Who knows, I might be recovering already, if the ridiculous length of this not-so-little bit of nowhere is any indication. In any case, my carnivorous forest much be enjoying the sudden slack in: "Eat! Eat some heroes, why don't you? You look so skinny!"

What else do I have to say? For the time being I think I've run out of things to say. At the very least this has proven an enjoyable exercise/venture. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to listen to Marilyn Manson crooning out the lyrics to Depeche Mode's "Personal Jesus."

Today's Lesson: a little time may heal all wounds, but enough of it'll kill you and render all those small wounds rather moot.


posted by Phillip at 6:11 PM

 

With today's link being: albinoblacksheep.com/flash/bunny.php , featuring a disillusioned animated rabbit lamenting how "everyone else has had more sex than me." (As sung by Bernard Derriman.) I don't know what's more disturbing: how catchy the song is, or how the rabbit looks so cute & dejected that by the end you acually are sorry for him and want him to have more sex.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to shuffle off and listen to the Planet Smashers' song "Super Orgy Porno Party."

Today's Lesson: it is counterproductive to try and fasten a price tag to your thumb instead of to a pair of mittens.


posted by Phillip at 10:00 AM

 

One of the many tasks we need to do at my job is to take out all the cardboard from our daily shipments, and toss the cardboard into the specialty compactor. Usually we have a ridiculously small amount of boxes from the kiosk, whereas the store itself garners enough for 2-3 separate trips to the compactor. Since it was a rather quiet evening, and there were two of us manning the kiosk, I volunteered to help the beleagured evening-shifters at the store by taking out the recycling for them.

On my first trip out to the cardboard compactor, I discovered on the ground a peculiar, round red object inside a plastic wrapper. "Good heavens!" I thought to myself, "Someone else who was recycling cardboard dropped one of their condoms!" But as it turned out, upon closer inspection I realized it was just a red button.

Oops.

In other news, from what I've been able to glean based on the video clips, President Bush is looking at pushing a special ballistic missile system, which may in turn lead to orbital weapons in space. Is it just me, or is anyone else suddenly thinking of Bubblegum Crisis' orbital satellites and the disturbing tendency they had to wipe out large neighbourhoods by mistake? Though if we go by previous articles found in the World Weekly News--if Dick Cheney is in fact a robot, we could just rename him Largo!

Carnivorous Forest Update: still refusing to eat heroes, despite the heroes now being chocolate-covered.


posted by Phillip at 8:11 PM